Dear… Depression

Dear Depression,

For years, I have spent days, weeks and even months carrying the shadowy spirit of your presence on my shoulders, a burden that few can possibly understand. I have battled against a demon that possesses an arsenal of weapons that I could ever look to compete with and you, with your army of companions by your side, stand tall as I grow weaker. My energy is spent, tormented by the knowledge that I will never truly escape your grip. You have a hold upon me that no lover will break, that no friendship can weaken and that no family member can dispel. It is like a chain upon my heart, a deep wound across the recesses of my mind. You work your sinewy magic, a disappearing act that appears only when unwanted. In the very moments that I believe I am recovering from the addictive and toxic feel of your presence, you stand there and remind me that you never truly left me.

You seem to spend your life finding ways to torment me. Do you have any idea of the times that I have spent wondering if I should just continue wandering this path or whether I should just end it all? Do you have any idea what it is like to stand on top of a bridge, to watch speeding cars spin by, unaware that above them is a lonely man who contemplates ending it all? You know the reason why I don’t. I don’t end it not because I think that my life matters any more than anyone else’s. I don’t end it because I know that my death would cause more untold misery to my family than it would solve my problems. I dearly love my family and you know that. You use it as a weapon against me, reminding me that my passing would cause them hurt.

And so I continue this facade with you, this dance of the devil that lingers. I continue to pretend that I am okay. I continue to pretend that I don’t spend my nights staring at a dark ceiling, reflecting on things that happened many months ago. I continue to pretend that I wake up each day, happy with the man that reflects back at me in the mirror. I continue to pretend that I’m okay living a life where I return an empty flat with no-one to greet me, that I’m okay living a life where my work is the most important feature of my life. You know all of this. You know everything about me. I can’t hide anything from you because you, like no other creature I have encountered, are able to cast away the thin veil of my disguise and reveal to me the skeletal structure underneath me.

What makes it worse is that you plague not only me but many of those who I love. I am sure that you are capable of taking many forms, that you appear to different people at different times. I have no doubt that you are capable of revealing yourself in ways unimaginable to me. None of that, unfortunately, matters. What matters is your never-ending, unnerving ability to haunt me and keep me awake. I have tried to deny your presence for the last few months and now I can deny it no more. You are with me. You stand by me, no matter the time of the day, no matter the month or year. You stand by me.

I have spent my life battling demons and you are the greatest battle I have ever faced. You appeared to me at my weakest moments. When I lost my first and true love, you were there. When I fell in love again and I lost her, you were with me. When each of my family members passed away, you were with me. Your presence is unwanted. You were never sought out or requested. You simply appeared because you felt that you were needed. I ought to remind you that you are not needed. You are not wanted. You simply remain with me because I do not know how to get rid of you.

I have tried. You know that. I have tried to placate you with drugs. I have tried to talk you out of my life with an endless list of therapists and friends. I have tried to pretend that I am okay with cheap flings and meaningless relationships. It is time for me to be honest with you. It is not that you are a presence. It is that you are part of me now. I am depressed. You have become me and I have become you. For that, I am sorry. I am sorry that the light I once had is now eclipsed by the darkness of whatever tormented creature I have become.

Letters to…(Grief)

Dear Grief,

To say that I expected your presence to be felt so heavy this year is truly understating the reality of your impact. I recognise your presence, the lingering shadow that you leave me and my family as you join us in mourning the passing of those I hold dear and love. Your black cloak is a warning and also a blessing, reminding me that life goes on even whilst I stand idly by, frozen by your hold. Over the last few months, weeks and days, it has become impossible to escape you. You have latched onto me like a vice and refused to let go. I have pleaded with you, begged you to release me from your stranglehold. I have cried tears of sadness, wishing that it would suffice and prove to you that you are no longer needed. Yet, here you are. Watching over me. Like some maligned guardian, wanted and unwanted.

Your presence has made me into something I never imagined I would become. I have become quiet, sheltered and afraid. The world has become more dark and harrowing because you were complicit in joining forces with others in an effort to bring me down. I see you, your unholy circle of emotions. Grief, Sadness, Anger. You have all invited yourselves into my heart and I desperately want to know how I banish you from my life. I have tried all manners of things and yet you remain. You have stood with me as I watched those I love carried into the next life. You have stood with me as I screamed in anger. You have stood with me as I struggled with every emotion.

Now, you stand with me as I consider these terrible thoughts, your presence a demon waiting for me to make a mistake. I have contemplated the simple ease of ending my life, simply to be free of the hold you have on me. I came to realise that doing so would simply give you an excuse to linger around others. It does not mean those thoughts do not come. They haunt me, as you do, silent in the daylight and so loud in the darkness. How can I express to you how much I hate you for what you have made of me? Nothing more than a mess of a man, chained by emotions that I thought I had rid myself of.

Grief, I hate you. I hate what your presence means. I hate that you stand by and do nothing as more and more people leave me. You never do. You stand there, a black shadow with no face and many faces. You have the face of those I miss dearly, sometimes a blur as memories fade. You come with the sound of fond memories, trailing with you the emotions I assumed would pass. How can you care so little and so much at once? You are with me because you love me. You have remained because you hate me. Grief, you have possessed me, taken control of my mind and refused to relinquish your grip.

I go to bed at night waiting for you to enter my mind, slithering in like smoke from a fire. You take hold, stopping me from getting the sleep I desperately need. When I wake up, you return with as much force as you had before. Your power over me is unknowable, indescribable. Grief, you are a monster. You know this. I suspect that, in some way, you know what you do to people and yet you cannot leave. You can only leave when you know that your companion is safe, that they can move on with their lives. With all of the other foul unions and bonds I have made with your cohorts, I suspect you may never leave me.

I no longer know who I am with you around. I have forgotten what it means to experience happiness and joy. What was once a wonderful and incredibly colourful palette is now nothing more than greyscale. You seem to soak all the positivity in my life and use it to feed you, growing stronger every time you return. You slither away, coming back even stronger with every phone call to tell me that someone else has disappeared. I am writing to you almost because I feel like this is my last resort. I know no other solution to a problem like you.

I know that it is not your fault. You did not choose this life but you have embraced your role. I can only hope that, when you do eventually leave, you do not come back quite so quickly. I am tired of worrying that you will come back. Let me be at peace, even for a few months. Let me have my joy and happiness for a short while before you come back and shatter the illusion. Let me have something before you break the mirror and remind me that it was never truly real, that you were always there.

Perhaps, in time, you will change too. Perhaps, Grief, you will leave and then come back with new companions. Maybe then, I can accept you in my life. For now, I wish you would simply leave and never come back because my heart aches in a way it never has. My mind is never silent when you are around. Grief, please give me something. You have taken so much from me. At the very least, you can give me something back.

The Future: What It Holds

For weeks now, this website has sat idle and inactive. I have been stuck in a dilemma as to where I take a website that, in very real terms, causes me more problems than it does pleasure. I find myself struggling with ideas to write about in a world where social media allows people to form immediate opinions. The type of self-reflection and philosophical thinking that my blog is dedicated to is less appealing than it used to people and my opinions are no more valid or important than any other individual on the internet.

It is, in part, a major benefit of the development of an internet democracy that no single voice is more important than another. The problem with that is, in the age of digital social media, those who shout loudest are often the most visible. We educate our children in a traditional format, one that teaches that the informed and reasonable argument will be victorious over the loudest voices. On the internet, the opposite is true. We have seen, in the Age of Trump, that the voices of racism and far-right ideology are given a platform to promote hate. Whilst we try to drown out their voices with a positive message of hope and love, recent events have shown that we appear to be losing that battle.

People are becoming trapped and lured in by an ideology of hatred. Their dissatisfaction with their place in the world, their misguided view of the world and a sense of belonging in a hate-fuelled community has allowed them to express themselves in violent and dangerous ways. I have no interest in giving these types of events any greater media coverage than they perhaps deserve but, in witnessing this type of event, it has afforded me the opportunity to decide the direction of this blog.

I spoke with a friend recently when we discussed the subject of death. It was mentioned that my friend might like to leave letters to loved ones, to say things that might not have been said in life and to serve as a reminder of the relationship. It is a poetic and beautiful way to try and make death a more positive experience. The concept made me think: what if we applied the notion of ‘letter-writing’ to more abstract concepts, for example, our emotions?

And that’s where this blog is going. It is now going to be a series of letters to my emotions, expressing to them exactly why I think of their presence in my life. It will remain the reflective and considered style that I believe best suits my personality but will be more self-critical. I will begin with a subject which is, at present, close to my heart and mind – grief. It is something which, at some point in our lives, grabs all of us by the neck and drags us through the forest of its creation. When we exit, we become different people and I want to tap into that. How frequent these abstract letters will be is very much dependent on the fluidity of my emotions.

For now, however, we will begin this week with a reflection of grief. I will write to grief as if it were a person, someone who had waltzed into my life unwelcome and made their presence felt. Look forward to that. It will be with you shortly.

Huma-what? – Morality in an Agnostic World

That man should show respect to man, irrespective of class, race or creed is fundamental to the humanist attitude to life. Among the fundamental moral principles, he would count those of freedom, justice, tolerance and happiness…the attitude that people can live an honest, meaningful life without following a formal religious creed. –  Pears Cyclopaedia, 87th edition, 1978

For centuries, the world has been governed primarily by the theological beliefs and mechanisms of different religions ranging from Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Sikhism and Hinduism. Wars have been fought on the principle of ‘religious war’ and millions died during the Crusades, thousands tortured during the Spanish Inquisition and hundreds have been assaulted and murdered as extreme interpretations of an otherwise peaceful religion have taken hold of communities and individuals.

In the 2011 Census for the Office of National Statistics, around 25% of people in the United Kingdom identified as having ‘no religion'(source: Office of National Statistics). There can be no doubt that the number of people identifying as non-religious has increased as the role that Christianity plays in the traditional parts of British life has slowly been eroded and undermined. One of the questions often posted to those who identify as agnostic or atheist is as follows: how do you conduct yourself in a moral fashion without a belief system to support it?

This is where Humanism provides an answer. Humanism is the belief that we do not need a religious text, the fear of ‘God’ or the duality of a ‘paradise/hell’ system in order to conduct ourselves morally. There seems to be a paradoxical belief within religion that, without God to watch over their sins, religious people would have no moral values. It seems to suggest the principle of free will only apply in so far that we conduct ourselves in a way that might please an observant God.

Humanism explains that we should conduct ourselves in a manner that benefits humanity, through the spirit of generosity and kindness, perform good deeds without the quest for recognition or praise. It is a philosophical system that posits society works best when all individuals concerned work in the interest of humanity – by doing good deeds, caring for the world, treating people as you would like to be treated. It seems a basic concept and one that most would identify with and yet there is only a small population that would identify as a humanist.

The problem with many groups of humanists is that their ‘hatred’ for religion means that they treat those who do have a belief system with disdain, rather than with acceptance. People who believe in God are accused of being ‘stupid’ and ‘ignorant of the facts’. If we are to truly apply the principles of Humanism to our lives, we should accept their belief system in the way that we would want them to accept our belief system. Religion has many elements which we ought to extract and apply to our own lives: the tithe system; charitable giving; treating people with kindness and; loving one another. We do not need a ‘God’ to introduce these ideas into our lives.

Britain is increasingly becoming a non-religious society and, as a result of that, we must become more tolerant of the minority belief systems that co-exist within our society. We should not judge or mock people for their beliefs, even if they seem paradoxical or counterintuitive. Whilst healthy debate is encouraged, too often the battle between religious and non-religious people devolves into mudslinging and name-calling, rather than uniting to promote common values.

Depression: How Bad Habits Spiral

Many of you will have heard or seen the story of a young woman who had not washed her hair for months, perhaps even years, because of her struggles with depression and social anxiety. The outpouring of love, support and affection for a young woman suffering from a crippling form of mental disease is undoubtedly a testament to the changing attitudes and values within this country about how we approach and treat people with those types of problems. It did occur to me, upon reading it, that depression creates and perpetuates habits that ultimately spiral out of control.

Depression is, for many people, something that they simply ‘deal’ with it. It is not an obstruction to their day to day lives except in so far that it hinders the formation of relationships and friendships and can contribute negatively to the way that they live their lives. For others, it is a crippling and gripping part of their lives that haunts them, creating a daily struggle to motivate themselves to get out of bed or perform even the most basic daily functions. Neither of these versions is any less or any more important than the other, they are both equally as real to the sufferer and undermining how it affects people risks creating a divide between sufferers when the goal should be to unite to find common solutions.

Depression does, for many people, force us into habits that we would otherwise avoid. For many sufferers of depression, it forces them to retreat into their own world and avoid social activities. For some, it forces them even more inward and forces them to avoid doing basic tasks that stimulate and create a positive mindset, for example, healthy living, taking care of oneself and one’s home, engaging with people. Depression, without us ever being acutely aware of it, changes our personality and mindset towards an internalisation of our problems that ultimately pushes people away and perpetuates the problem.

Bad habits are not necessarily a sign of depression but the two go hand in hand. The constant struggle for energy throughout the day, the mental battle to eat properly, the challenge to engage with people and have meaningful conversations – they are all very real manifestations of a problem that almost everyone at some point will either, by proxy or directly, come into contact with. As a person comes to grips with their condition, an observation about the patterns of our daily life and how to change those patterns can help to stimulate a more positive frame of mind. Waking up in the morning and taking a few moments to reflect and prepare for the day ahead is just as powerful a tool for someone suffering from depression and running in the evening is for someone who wants to get fit.

Physical health and mental health ultimately have the same goals and have similar approaches. The intention is to be at peak physical or mental health and doing so requires the exertion of energy and the expenditure of resources to achieve that goal. It cannot be done simply by thinking about it. We have to act and reflect on how best to change the things that we want to change. We have to identify the mental roadblocks to our happiness. Are there habits that are causing us to avoid doing certain things because we are ashamed? Do we act in a particular way in order to avoid those conflicts or difficult conversations?

By ignoring the problems and allowing the bad habits to spiral, we create a loop in which the depression created the bad habits and now those bad habits are contributing to the depression. Our behaviours are as much a contributing factor as the external world is. We have to be able to identify and reflect on what is the best thing for us and what our end goal is. Without a strategy and an idea about the problems we face, the likely outcome will always be a failure.

Crisis: A Life Lived in Episodes

A thought has occurred to me that it is possible we live our lives based on a series of episodes or events, defined by a single focal point upon which the rest of the ‘episode’ is centred. It could be a new relationship, the loss of a loved one, a new job or even a new home. All of these acts serve as a fixed point which explains how we feel or why we act in a particular way. Within these episodes, there may be a number of other smaller events but it is one larger, all-encompassing event that defines the period.

For example, a person might define one period of their life through the loss of their loved ones, whether it is a parent, a sibling or even a child. We all too often focus our lives on larger periods of time, looking back nostalgically on our time at school or at our old job. Our vision ought to be narrower in time frames, looking at a specific reason why we felt the way that we did.

It is reasonable to imagine that someone entering into a relationship might see the world in a different light, a positive spin on a world that only mere months ago might have appeared bleak and grey. It is an example of episodic living, shifting from pattern to pattern of living where our moods are defined by the changing features within our lives.

There are so many variables in our lives that these episodes could last for weeks or they could last for years. When people talk about episodes, they do so seemingly with hushed voices and whispers because it is commonly associated with mental disorders. It seems counterintuitive to associate this type of living only with a breakdown in mental health when we can readily identify peaks and troughs in our own lives that could easily be seen as an episode.

There is no shame in feeling that we go through moments in our lives that are more difficult than others. There is no shame in exploring the joy associated with new connections from lovers to colleagues. These are natural occurrences that are readily dismissed as insignificant when the reality of the importance is far greater.

Social media has made it easy for us to paint a picture of a life that we want people to see. When we peer behind the veil, the reality is more fragmented and fractured. Like a hard drive, we have coloured blocks and chunks that represent different things – joy, sadness, indifference, love, hate. We ought to be more open in recognising the power of these episodes because, in doing so, we are more capable of tackling problems proactively, rather than being reactionary.

If we look back on our lives and segment it, we can easily see the triggers and respond when we see them again. Our mental health is defined by these episodes. By reflecting and responding to our past, we are able to shorten the length of our dark episodes and flood light upon our positive episodes.

Like social media, we want the reality to reflect the painting. We can only do that through self-reflection and treating our life with more care. We cannot simply assume that our present state will be permanent and must respond and adapt to changes beyond our control to make positive and life affirming commitments.

The goal in living a life based on episodes is to see these events as being important in framing both our life view and our philosophy. Reflection gives us the opportunity to identify the negative influences in our life and remove them, rather than seeing them as part of a wider problem, we are able to isolate them.

Closure: How the Past Defines Us

For many of us, we live by a philosophy that we ought to always look forever forward, that our past is exactly that- past tense, history, a memory. This philosophy seems to be the ideal and yet the reality is very different because, for all of us, it is our past that defines who we are, how we live our lives and how we want to live.

Relationships are undoubtedly the single best example of how a bad ending can impact on the remainder of our lives. The word ‘closure’ is commonly used because we view the relationship in isolation – the idea that we are closing a chapter in the book of life. Relationships are so much more than simply a chapter because the impact of one person permeates through the rest of our lives from our working life to our friends, from our philosophies to our families. When a relationship ends, it changes the dynamic of so many other variables. One need only hear the stories of how unhappy relationships have changed someone, that they seem so much more positive and life affirming when those negative influences are no longer in their life.

Closure is important because it represents a finality to an episode that, for most people, they see as a long term project. If you do not achieve closure, the risks are very real. People can suffer from bouts of depression, their friendships end because of it. People can become manic, obsessive and sometimes dangerous. There are countless stories of men and women being victims of previous partners who failed to adapt to a life on their own.

We should, wherever possible, seek to achieve closure because it creates a sense of self in our minds and hearts. Those who do not seek closure feel as though their lives are a continuation of a chapter that didn’t have a proper ending. It feels unnatural, unbalanced. The literary references are important because we live our lives almost as if there is a beginning, middle and an end. The beginning is the slow burn, the entry into the world. The middle is where the action is meant to happen, where people find themselves rushing through, turning page after page to find out what happens next and the end is a chance to reflect, to find out what it all meant.

Each of us has a responsibility to one another to do what is right. We preach an ethos that each people deserves respect and equality. Relationships are seemingly exempt from that clause, particularly when they end. The age of digital media means that our private affairs are no longer private, that the reasons become public and sensitive material is used as bait to abuse a position of power.

As a humanist, I believe that we have a duty to do what we believe is right. I believe that it is right that we look to apologise to those we have wronged in the past, the people that we hurt with decisions taken in the best interest. What appears to be a good decision for one party may ultimately shatter another person. We are fragile beings, easily succumbing to our emotions.

The world has changed but the basics of humanity and of relationships have noted – decency, respect, love and affection. They are all things we seek and hope to have in our lives. Closure encompasses all four of those elements.

By getting closure, one demonstrates decency in trying to repair the damage unwittingly done. By getting closure, one shows respect to a partner by trying to part on reasonable terms. By seeking closure, one shows an affection and appreciation for the tapestry that has been weaved in however brief the flame did burn. By achieving closure, one is able to love without shame and move on without looking back, forlorn at what might have been.

Our identity and sense of self are wrapped up in this idea. If we all took a brief moment in our lives to look back and see what damage has been done, perhaps we might look more cautiously in the steps we take moving forward because, though we do not walk on eggshells, we do deal in broken people and they are the ones we must look out for.

Polygamy: The Final Taboo of Modern Society

Polygamy – the premise of being involved with multiple people in a relationship, either of the same sex or opposite sex – is something that, for many societies, has always been frowned upon. In Britain, we have a nineteen-fifties view of relationships that relies on the ‘nuclear family’ as the ideal. We see the wife and two children as the end goal of a relationship, complete with house, car and job. Those of us that seek alternative lifestyles or view the world through a different lens are often scorned. Whilst we have become more accepting of LGBT+ lifestyles (recognising that more progress can always be made on that front), our view on poly-amorous relationships hasn’t advanced further.

My thinking on this particular subject stemmed from an article in the BBC News which highlighted that three men from Brazil entered into a legal union recognising that they are all in a relationship with one another. It seemed such a natural concept to me but, nevertheless, a part of me queried it. Across all other walks of life, we recognise that we cannot be satisfied by one thing. Most people change their jobs an average of twelve times during the course of their working life, not being tied to one specific role. People often have multiple interests, multiple friends and their interest in film, literature and music changes from week to week. Why then do we frown on the idea that we are attracted to different parts of a person?

Polygamy effectively surmises that it is impossible for one single person in a population of six billion to meet and fulfill all of the criteria that we have in seeking a partner. We might be attracted to the physicality of one person, to the humour of another, to the intelligence of someone else. We are forced, in Britain’s view of relationships, to abandon all of our other wants and needs when we find someone who matches a certain percentage of criteria that we might have. People assume that being in love means that we sacrifice something of ourselves for our partner. Why?

I see no reason why we object to the idea that people can enter into a mutual agreement or union with several people, all with the consent of the other people involved. We are not forced to listen to one genre of music for the remainder of our lives once we find one that we like. Why are we forced to be ‘faithful’ to one person when they may not necessarily meet all of the checkboxes that we look for in a person? They may come close but, ultimately, we  are always giving something up in relationships to perpetuate the myth that people cannot love more than one person at any one time.

It is fascinating to me that other societies, some seemingly ‘less civilised’ than Britain’s, have accepted these ideas long before we have adopted them. We still view them as trivial sideshows, attractions that will ultimately wear off  in time and the hope is that they will adopt a more socially acceptable view of relationships. Our view on the world must change and adapt to a more modern landscape where people never truly enter into long-term relationships. The rate of divorce is higher now than it ever was before because our attention span and concentration levels have lowered, our ability to focus on one person for a long period of time has been weakened by the advent of digital media and a rise in online dating. The accessibility of love means that polygamy ought to be more common than it is and perhaps it is only stigma that holds people back from adopting a view that the world has changed and with it, our relationships must change.

Ready Player One: Tapping into Pop Culture

At the San Diego Comic-Con (SDCC), a film that has been in developmental hell since the book was first released in 2011 made its mark with a debut trailer. With heavyweight personnel behind it including Steven Spielberg as director and Ernest Cline adapting his novel into a screenplay, there is a sense that Ready Player One may become the film that its avid readers hope it can be. The question is, how does Spielberg tap into such devotion to a wealth of popular culture and make it into something that leaves people feeling impressed, as if they are watching something entirely new?

Ready Player One has always been something of a cult classic among science fiction readers, positing a world in which almost of its inhabitants spend their time in a virtual world created by Ogden Morrow and James Halliday known as ‘Oasis’. It is a world that is rife with popular culture references from Halo to Monty Python, from Dungeons and Dragons to Pac-Man. Most of its readers express a sense of nostalgia and affection for a book that lovingly treats their gaming and film heroes with such love and care.

To translate this into a film is a major obstacle, not least of which because of the licensing issues around assets that would be used in the film. Almost all of the popular culture references in the film will be licensed by parent companies and the film-makers will require permission from them to use those assets, most likely increasing the significant cost of the film and running the risk of failing to make a profit on a film that needs to be marketed as a ‘block-buster’.

The trailer seems to have succeeded in giving the impression that asset use should not be an issue. In fact, it is laced with popular culture references with everything from Deadpool to the Iron Giant, from Back to the Future and Halo.

Spielberg and Clyne has positioned this film perfectly to be released at a time where there is a greater interest in virtual reality than ever before. It stimulates interest in the future of the world and how virtual reality can transform people’s lives. More importantly, they are releasing at a time where many of the popular culture references remain fresh in the minds of those who are reading the book or watching the film. If they had released this film five or ten years later, the references may have been lost on some but, as they stand, they are so ingrained in modern culture that it is impossible to ignore them.

For people who have never read the book, this film could easily be (as described in the trailer) as the ‘Holy Grail of Popular Culture’ but for those who have read the book, it needs to be something different, a new take on a book that is warmly received by its readers. Should they succeed in the first, it will likely prove to be a moderate success. Should they succeed in the second, it will draw in a devoted and committed audience that will propel the film to new successes.

Finding Love in Digital Spaces

The world is more connected than it has ever been. The advent of the digital age is upon us and, in doing so, it allows us to unite and connect people in ways that might never have seemed possible or even probable a mere twenty years ago. With this digital information age, it comes with a price that each of us has undoubtedly had to bear at some point: communication. I have spoken before how our memories seem to have diminished by the ease of access to knowledge, queries responded to within milliseconds and our fleeting interests expanded upon by a flourish of knowledge and a sprinkling of digital enhancement.

Communication – our ability to speak with people – has taken a turn for the worst because of our reliance on handheld devices to provide entertainment. I appreciate, of course, that there is a certain irony that I speak of communication in the digital age and use this same advancement to propagate a social theory. Nevertheless, the creation of major social platforms has meant that a part of us – that link with humankind – is less real and more ethereal than it was before. We communicate primarily using applications created by companies with the goal of ‘profit’ in mind, obsess over our appearance using applications that promote negative images of personal beauty and we connect in relationships using applications that give us the option to swipe left or right based on a picture, rather on something real.

I believe that this digital age has made it difficult for us to make conscious and reasonable judgements on people unless we scrutinise their social media, stalking their digital lives to find some trace of weakness that we can use to exploit. We use social media as a tool to promote the version of our lives that we want people to see, rather than the version of our lives that is grounded in reality. People post photographs of their new cars, their new homes, their new pets and their latest exploits. People never see the after-effects, the failed relationships, the abuse, the hard work and effort that comes to achieve these dreams.

In an age where we can all connect very simply at the click of a button, it explains why so many of us are increasingly raising their standards in the search of the ‘perfect person’. We have a seemingly infinite supply of ‘matches’ who can swipe left and right, a game of directions that plays with people’s emotions that has no end goal and no rewards for completion. We post the images we think might best attract the kind of people we want to meet, sending message after message to people with no reply. Women are inundated with messages from men asking for sex, cheaply assuming that they have a shortcut to their bedrooms simply because they have a device and a photo of a six-pack on their biographies.

Men are traditionally hard-wired to see sex as the ‘end goal’ of a relationship and ‘relationship-seeking’ applications are effectively giving the impression that they have a shortcut to accomplishing that goal. Why wouldn’t they try to exploit it? It creates a false impression of men and translates into a ripple effect for relationships where women almost expect this type  of behaviour and ask the simple question: why bother sorting through a hundred messages where only one of those is from someone genuine?

Other applications have created false profiles designed to lure people in, to create an impression of interest that encourages them to part with their money, only to realise that the interest was digitally enhanced like their photos. In this digital age, we are all seeking love in digital spaces and end up finding out that the spaces are already occupied by those we might think are our social betters. For all our advancement into the digital age and a world governed almost entirely by the cyclical nature of technology, our biology remains hardwired to seek the partner that will best succeed in propagating the greatest features of our genes.

Intelligence, wit and charm are secondary in an age where a photograph is the first thing that people see. Our photographs must create the impression that encourages people to swipe right, to like, to ‘super-like’. Conversation is secondary to that initial goal. It is only when we meet our mutual matches that the war begins, fighting against a flood of people who are all seeking the same thing or perhaps disguising the notion that they are seeking the same thing with an ulterior motive in mind.

Travis McCoy famously wrote in ‘New Friend Request’, ‘So click approve, so simple, show me some kind of sign and let me know it’s time to make a move’. This song was released in 2006 and yet its lyrics are as clear now as they were back then, perhaps even more so. We are all seeking the approval of our peers, our partners by posting a continuous stream of updates about the life they only see a small percentage of. Finding love in a digital space can seem like the impossible journey when you are competing against a population swing.